“Who are you?”
“I don’t know you. Go away.”
No one prepares you to hear these words from someone you love. For many families, this is when the dementia diagnosis becomes real. The parent, partner or confidant who once knew you best now feels like a stranger. Stories repeat, names fade and conversations slip into another decade. Now you’re unsure of what to say or how to respond.
“Understanding the science of your loved one’s diagnosis and how it affects them is a good start, but it’s more important for connection if you let go of accuracy and learn how to reconnect with them through emotion,” explains Dave Foltz of Rhythm Senior Living.
With more than 70 years of combined experience in senior living, Dave and Carol Foltz are respected leaders and educators in dementia care. They have brought expertise and passion to training caregivers and guiding families in meaningful connection with loved ones with cognitive decline. They also shape dementia care standards, education, and legislation across Washington State.
The couple often use a map analogy to explain dementia to families and students. They explain that the brain is like GPS configuring a route to Spokane from Tacoma. However, familiar routes are blocked by construction and road closures. The brain must constantly recalculate a new path. Sometimes it arrives slowly, but other times the route is no longer accessible.
As Carol explains, “Whatever the resident feels is true in that moment, don’t argue or try to convince them otherwise. Go into their world and let them lead the conversation. No one wants to feel foolish, and if you come in too forcefully, they can feel overwhelmed. They may jump across decades in a single conversation, so flexibility is key.”
Being right isn’t important
One of the most powerful shifts families can make is letting go of the need to be “right”. Focus instead on how the moment feels. Correcting a loved one with phrases such as, “You already told me that,” “Do you remember?” or “No, that’s not what happened” can unintentionally create confusion, embarrassment and anxiety. Dave and Carol encourage families to replace those responses with gentler encouragement. An example would be, “That sounds important to you. Tell me more about that.”
“Connection doesn’t require a perfect memory; it requires presence.If you can connect with an individual’s feelings, you can connect with the person. The five senses — touch, smell, sight, sound and taste — are usually the last to go. When you use these to connect to a memory, we’ve seen remarkable moments happen,” says Carol.
Experiences matter
Dementia alters how the brain processes time and short-term memory. New memories fade first while emotional and sensory memories often remain. Dave and Carol encourage families to use those remaining pathways, through music, familiar activities, and simple scents, to reconnect with meaningful memories.
Carol shared how her father’s love of apple pie became a bridge back to connection when he was living with Alzheimer’s. As she and her sisters baked together, the comforting smell and familiar routine stimulated his senses and carried him back to earlier years. “We could see him change in front of us,” Carol says. “He began to engage with us again.”
Dave shared another powerful example of the role of senses in reconnection. A woman’s father, who had become nonverbal due to dementia, once loved golf. When she took him back to the course and drove him along the fairways in a rented cart, the response surprised everyone.
“It was like a light turned on,” Dave says. “The familiar smell of freshly cut grass, the sound of clubs slicing through the air and the wide-open space of the course awakened something in him. He began talking with the golf pro and continued the conversation for nearly 20 minutes.”
It is often a process of trial and error. What works one week may work for a month and then change again. Just as important as what you do is where you do it. Loud coffee shops, bright lights and unfamiliar sounds can easily overwhelm someone with dementia. Dave and Carol encourage families to choose calm, familiar and supportive settings. Choose places where your loved one can feel safe enough to relax and truly engage.
Guided by these same principles, Dave and Carol point to Wesley as a model of exceptional memory care. After decades of working with caregivers across Washington State, they describe Wesley’s team as rare in its blend of knowledge and heart, always focused on what is best for the resident.
They believe Wesley’s approach reflects what dementia care should be by prioritizing safety, dignity, purpose and connection. This helps families return to their role as loved ones through relationship-based care, purposeful activities and calming, supportive environments.
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